Marvel Snap tricks you. It promises you a fun, free time with your favorite Marvel guys. Look, Gambit! You can play Gambit! And KITTY PRYDE! And SILK!!! Holy crap, nobody cares about Silk except me and like, six other people, and she has her OWN CARD!!! And best ot all, you can feasibly get all of the cards you're after without spending any real-world money! It's the best game in the world!
Then you play the game and you get your first taste of winning, and you start to realize that beneath the colorful Marvel facade, the programmers have built a massive web of invisible gameplay threads that only the wisest and most galaxy-brained can unravel. You learn that in order to continue tasting sweet victory, you may have to give up your beloved Rogue variant in favor of character nobody has ever cared about. Characters with names like Infinaut, Aero, Darkhawk, and Knull. Forget your favorite characters; victory is all about brutal pragmatism and constructing the exact deck that will counter every opponent.
You'll also learn that only a handful of decks that somebody else already built have a snowball's chance in hell of ranking you up to Infinite rank, which you value more than your child's college fund. Here are some of those decks and what they say about you if you play them.
Deck images are from Snap.fan.
Kazar Zoo Deck
You still have a pretty healthy relationship with the game. You play a few rounds once in a while, win some, lose some, complete your daily challenges, and move on with your day. The game hasn't gotten its hooks in you yet.
Two things might happen:
1) You continue to have a mild relationship with the game and eventually stop playing. Not because you don't enjoy it, but because you just have other things going on in your busy life.
2) You open a cache and you get Patriot. You start to wonder if you can make a new deck, one a little more like the cool ones other people are playing. Things are going to get worse for you very soon.
Move Deck
You love superheroes. You don't even need to read the comics or watch all the movies. You just love the idea of superheroes and you love how they're big and sexy and colorful and fly and shoot pew pew lasers. In your downtime, sometimes you just grab a pen and swoosh it through the house while making noises with your mouth. Your friends love you for your enthusiasm and playful nature, even if they hate it when you all go to the movies and you have to keep asking them who all the characters are and why they're doing what they're doing.
You love this deck because the cards all jump around and make cool noises. You lose so many matches, but you don't even care. You just can't resist playing Heimdall on turn 6 and watching all of the cards go VOOOOOOOOOSH while your opponent casually takes control of the middle and right lanes.
Discard Deck
Creativity is for the birds. You firmly believe that the best way forward in life is to figure out what the most successful people are doing and to do exactly that. Life's a game, you're either a winner or a loser, and hell with it, you're not gonna die a loser.
You might have to take some risks, but you have your sights set on your goal and you'll do whatever it takes to get there. You'll lose some friends along the way, but that's just a sign that you're doing something right. Your family tells you you're going too far; you shouldn't be getting involved with this Jordan Belfort guy and you definitely shouldn't be taking these meetings with Russian businessmen. Screw 'em. You're on top, and you're gonna stay on top until you have it all or until the developers nerf MODOK and you go to prison for life.
Destroy Deck
Most of the time, you're a pretty nice person. You go to work, you date, you have game nights with your friends, and you have a few hobbies that keep you busy.
But there's something inside of you just waiting to get out: a primal rage coupled with a bit of sadism. On those game nights, you surprise yourself with how aggressive your trash talk can get. Sometimes you're scrolling around on YouTube and you realize that you've only been clicking on skateboarding accidents. When you see a child fall on the playground, you know that you should run to help it, but instead you stifle a chuckle. What's wrong with you? Why do you feel this way? Are you secretly a bad person?
Don't worry, you're not a bad person. You just have some repressed feelings you need to work through. And maybe you don't realize it, but your destroy deck is the first step to you recognizing your anger and learning to possess it so that it doesn't possess you. The next step is to find a therapist, or maybe take up kickboxing.
Galactus Deck
Okay, at this point, maybe it's something more than repressed anger. You might not like hearing this, but you are a bully. And that doesn't make you a bad person, not necessarily. Lots of bullies just need some love and understanding rather than additional shaming. But you are a bully, and maybe you're not a bully 24/7, but you need to be aware that you are prone to bullying behavior and keep yourself accountable.
And no, that doesn't mean you need to stop playing your Galactus deck. It's a game, do whatever is fun for you. I'm just concerned about you. Are you okay? Do you find yourself lashing out at customer service even though you know they're just doing their job? Do you find yourself letting microaggressions and passive-aggressive comments slip into your everyday conversation? Do you feel like your friends are looking for excuses to spend less time with you?
Just think about these things. And don't do it without compassion for yourself. Maybe you've had a hard life, or a lack of positive role models. That doesn't excuse your behavior, but it might give you a path to bettering yourself. Maybe start doing more acts of kindness with no thought of reward. Maybe read more books. Maybe play some Fall Guys instead and learn a little humility.
Negative Deck
Rules are for fools. You're Darwin's dark doppelganger: you don't adapt to your environment, you adapt your environment to you. You have never played a single video game with cheat codes turned off. What's that? There are no cheat codes? No problem, you'll dive right into the code and make your own.
Your complete disdain for authority and reliance on your own good luck and charm might get you in trouble sometimes, but everyone who knows you agrees: you're super cool because you just don't give a shit. Unfortunately, you're also broke.
Thanos Deck
You're busy. You don't have time to put together a deck. You've got stuff to do.
Darkhawk Deck
You don't play games for fun. You don't do anything for fun. Nothing is worth doing if it's not done with the utmost professionalism. Victory brings you no joy because it is something that is simply supposed to happen based on your skill and forethought. Defeat is painful, but you accept the pain and bear it like a Viking warrior. You simply nurse the wound and prepare for another battle. War is forever.
Patriot Deck
You are a modern-day Job. You have lived your life in a way that makes perfect sense based on everything you've ever been told and everything common sense tells you is the right way to live. You are kind to others, responsible with your money, a healthy eater, a gym regular, and always on time to work. You love your spouse and your children, and you do everything in your power to give them a good life.
And yet, you are fate's plaything. A tornado touched down in your neighborhood for the first time in history, but the only house it pulverized was yours. You just learned that your children are all in the most violent gang in the country even though they had to commute two cities away to join it. Your spouse has decided out of the blue to go to Tibet and enter a monastery. You were fired for letting your nametag get stolen by an eagle. You recently contracted a terrible disease that, according to your doctor, has only ever been contracted by snapping turtles.
"WHY GOD!?!?!" you cry out, "WHY, WHEN I HAVE DONE ALL THAT YOU ASKED HAVE YOU TURNED YOUR BACK ON ME?!?!" You are met only with the soft sound of your opponent playing Scarlet Witch and disabling all ongoing abilities at Patriot's location.
Sera Surfer Deck
You're going to lose a lot of games, and you don't give a toss because this deck lets you play both Dazzler AND Silver Surfer and you'll be damned if you give up on something that fabulous.
Bounce Deck
You're low-key one of the coolest people in your friend group. You're pretty quiet and reserved, and most people tend to like you off the bat because you seem nice, but you have these hidden talents that just come out of nowhere and blow peoples' minds. You'll be at a party and just casually start playing guitar like freaking Santana, and everyone will just be like "What the hell? We've known Phil for years and they never once mentioned that they're a god at guitar!"
Your introversion might limit your opportunities in life, and you might be harboring some depression, but keep at it. You have so much to offer the world if you just believe in yourself and keep pushing even when things are at their darkest.
High Evolutionary Deck
You are a walking, talking red flag. You think that Walter White, Patrick Bateman, and Rick Sanchez are supposed to be role models. You've made a lot of friends with people who talk a little too much about election fraud.
Seek help immediately. Or watch Guardians of the Galaxy 3. If you are still on board with the High Evolutionary after that, there is no helping you.